“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
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Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Match dot com, but for socks.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.