What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Any refunds available?…
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.