FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
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Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
boat question
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
i spent way too long on this
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
let’s discuss
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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