cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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For the ones in the back.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
black phone good
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!