Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
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A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.