Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
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If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Stonehinge
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.