This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it