me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
You Might Also Like
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
There’s no “u” in narcissist
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014