Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
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Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
tourist season
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.