Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I want what they have
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Fries, not lies.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Sunday
Stonehinge
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
*puts words between two asterisks*