You better watch out
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My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
The Others (2001)
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.