Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.