Fat chances are my favorite chances
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the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol