Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
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WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.