We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
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If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My inexpensive home security system…
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!