Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
You Might Also Like
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.