Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
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My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.