Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.