Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Lassie, get help!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I wish I could veto my bills.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.