[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
You Might Also Like
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Real House Wines.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Risking my life for fun.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”