When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
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Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Spider-cat: No One Home
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.