*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Dear Lord..
my one true gender
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.