Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
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Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Make new friends? bro out of what?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?