New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Just as the prophecy foretold
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this