*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.