Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!