My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
You Might Also Like
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.