If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.