Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.