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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait