Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.