my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
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The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Flock of bats
Saw online –
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth