My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??