Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
peep davidson
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES