spot the difference
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
They are only bad decisions if you get caught