A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I feel seen
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.