Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
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When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.