My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Oh the world we live in…
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him