My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.