Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
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[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Human are so complicated
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.