My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
You Might Also Like
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.