“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
the council will decide your fate
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.