[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”