I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
You Might Also Like
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.