i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat