Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
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In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.