The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
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i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
when someone rings the doorbell
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing