10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Netflix: We have Less
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.