a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Simple
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly