I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
October already? What’s next? November????
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
love it when they get my name right
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
🤣🤣
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.